Food is evil.

Stupid food. It's everywhere - and we need it to survive. AND, so much of it is super unhealthy. Why did anyone decide that inventing crap like pizza (glorious), doughnuts (heaven), and chicken tenders (nom nom nom) was a good idea?! It's like the cooker-people (aka chefs) of the world have an evil plot to fatten people up. What, are they planning to cook US next..?

For example, look what those gremlins at Red Lobster invented:

I mean, come ON. Lobster pot pie? Served with fried shrimp?? WHY??? There must be ten zillion calories in that flaky, creamy, lobster-y dish. And another ten zillion in those magnificent crispy shrimpies. And LMFBO (laugh my fat butt off), look at the broccoli on the side. As if!! "Oh yes, I'm eating SO healthy these days!! Why, with my deep-fat-fried creamy greasy slimy delicious food, I'm eating VEGETABLES!! Dipped in high-calorie full-fat Ranch dressing!!! I AM BEING SO GOOD!!"

No, hypothetical lobster pot pie eater. You are not being so good.

And the monsters at Pizza Hut came up with this:

I don't even know where to start. The melty gooey cheese? The shimmering pepperoni? Is there anything about this pie that is NOT evil? I think one bite of this nonsense has more calories than I'm allotted for an entire week. Yep, pretty sure. Crazy Cheesy Crust pizza is out to get me.

I'm trying to eat this kind of pathetic excuse for food:

 


To be fair, Hy-Vee brand cottage cheese is pretty freaking delicious - at least, when you're denied the delicious evil food shown above. And you really can't lose weight on Crazy-Cheesy-Evil-Slimy Pizza Hut pizza.

One thing I've noticed about dieting is that it doesn't work. At ALL. Dieting is unrealistic and it won't last for most people. What you do is develop an alternate healthy food plan - something you can actually stick to for long periods of time. And that is all about finding substitutions.

For example:
Ice cream ... BAD. Frozen Greek yogurt - GOOD!
Try Yoplait Greek frozen yogurt bars in honey and caramel flavor - 90 calories each, and I promise, they actually taste like delicious soft serve. YUM.

Most salads ... BAD. (For real!) Low-fat, low-cal salad - GOOD!
My favorite salad used to consist of lettuce, sliced chicken tenders, shredded cheddar cheese, honey mustard, bacon bits, and croutons. That freaking salad was almost as bad as pizza!
Now, I toss in baby spinach with the lettuce - dark leafy greens are the best; for example, spinach is chock-full of vitamins A and C. I usually skip the chicken - or use grilled. No cheddar OR dressing - instead, I swap in a half-cup of 1% cottage cheese (80 calories). No bacon bits, no croutons - I sprinkle flavored slivered almonds on top; it adds flavor, a nice crunch, AND almonds curb your appetite. Win!

"Snack food" (chips, Pringles, snack crackers, etc.) ... VERY BAD!!! Almonds and dried fruit - GOOD!
The best almonds on earth are Blue Diamond honey roasted. They are super crunchy and absolutely delicious. I hated almonds before I tried these puppies.
Dried fruit can be tricky, though. Most pre-packaged dried fruit is loaded up with sugar. Might as well just eat candy (btw, candy - BAD!). If you have a health store, you can usually find dried fruit with either no sugar or just a little added. I get the best dried pineapple rings and papaya spears at my local Hy-Vee health market.

Know of some clever substitutions? Please comment and share!



(Evil pot pie provided by http://www.restaurantnews.com)
(Evil pizza provided by  http://www.brandeating.com)
(Celery and carrots: http://www.redbookmag.com)
(Hy-Vee cottage cheese: http://www.fooducate.com)